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.meagan.

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[Jan 07 2014 / 1:51am]
It's not been the best week. but I'm somehow still determined.

Determined to find a job that is satisfying and rewarding and challenging but not too challenging.
Determined to have a dog that does not get me kicked out of my rental because of his separation anxiety (which causes him a great deal of pain).
Determined not to fuck up every relationship with every person I know because I think I'm unworthy or too crazy or bottled up.

But these all take work. work to find a job and keep it. work to train Larry and mean it. work to reach out and be honest and true.

...and i'm so lazy...

please let 2014 be different.
let me find the will and do it.
let me find strength in me.
please.
i want it to be a good year.
i actually really do.
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[Jul 04 2011 / 10:29pm]
i just feel so broken.
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[Jun 30 2011 / 2:13am]
depression creeps out like a little bandit at night time. it peaks its head as you crawl into bed then slowly climbs out until it is a glaring spotlight as you try to fall asleep. drew and my dogs are asleep in our bed. while i sit here thinking about today and tomorrow with dread.

bastard.
it sucks.
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my head is hazy with bronchitis. [Feb 19 2011 / 9:47pm]
one. i have a spending problem.

two. i had a dream about ellen and portia and now my life seems incomplete without them.

three. i need to make friends in this town because the word 'lonely' keeps following me around.
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[Feb 05 2011 / 5:34pm]
headaches.

i applied for a job today that sounded sweet. it doesn't pay much, it's only part-time, and i'd have to work some nights...but it's with homeless people and i can think of no better way to spend my time. so yeah...I was all hopeful and excited...then life took its usual piss.

i got a headache behind my eye that makes it difficult to sit up without feeling nauseous. i have to spend the entire day in bed, blanket over my head.
i'm not even particularly depressed...just in so much pain that i can't see happiness on the horizon.


lithium is helping.
helping to stabilize.
helping to keep me from the low lows.
it's taken me a year to find a good med mix (600Li plus 60prozac) and it feels good to not cry...as much.

there are still days when i don't get out of bed.
when i want to curl up and die.
when crying and burning feel like relief and anything else feels likes needles and pain.

there are still these days.
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[Jan 26 2011 / 8:31pm]
she sleeps with you.
she laughs at your jokes.
she loves when you call. or say something sweet.

she sounds lovely.

i cannot do that.
i cannot laugh or love or sleep.
i cannot smile with anything but teeth.
i have not felt what i know she has felt. not in a long time. not honestly. not more than a passing moment.

----

my vices are goodwill, lottery tickets, cheese, and self-loathing.

these will be my end.
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